Cherished Memories

Posted on Saturday, October 16th, 2010 at 4:44 am

How do I get out of social isolation and live a normal good life without being haunted by the past?

I have a big family that I love very much and with whom I have many cherished memories.

However our peace and togetherness was shattered when a number of us as adults had experiences of distress that we interpreted (misinterpreted) as being the consequence of childhood sexual abuse by our father.

Since then there have been conflicts and seperations as my father aggressively denies the claims and my mother sits on the fence.

For my siblings it seems terryfying to have their perception of their father challenged. A couple sit on the fence and two aggressively support our father.

I can understand their positions and feel compassion for their pain yet I was also pained by being excluded by three of them and from family events. Eventually I had to let go of the relationships with my mother and the two siblings too as they joined in the family events that excluded me.

I have emerged from all the grief but I don't know what to say when people inquire 'how's your family?'

I have read some of your other questions, they too scream of hurt, isolation, inconsolable family conflicts and the wish to make a connection with other people.

There may be a possibility to reconnect with some of your family members. The best path would be to talk to them face to face, possibly in the presence of a professional councilor.

But another option would be to accept that your family may just not represent your closest relationships in the future. Get out there, join clubs or organizations (cooking, basketball, dancing, charities, the local union chapter), make friends. Put the past behind you and move on.

I don’t have any relatives – the few I had died early. But I never have a boring or lonely day. I have fun and supportive friends, which by the way I could CHOOSE, rather than be settled with (which would be the case with relatives). So I know this works.

So just say “I am not in touch with my family” there is nothing shameful about it.